"If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark."
- St. John of the Cross.
How much time do we spend trying to figure out how to make things go well. . .How to get someone to respond just how we'd like them to, or the way we think we need them to respond? How often do we get upset when some mishap, or someone's complications, foil our best-laid plans? How many strategy sessions have you sat through-- for work, for play, for relationship gain or improvement, for personal effectiveness? Have you ever thought, "I could get so much done if it wasn't for [X person] or [X situation] slowing me down and getting in my way?"
No worries-- you're certainly not by yourself. You are in very good company with me and many other people across space and time.
It's not that wandering around without a thought about next steps is the best way to function. But rather, leaving behind our expectations and our desires for stability can ensure us far more happiness and effectiveness. It's so funny that we don't get it by now, but nothing can be perfect, and the best laid plans can fall through. Murphy's Law is well known for a reason. . .Anything can happen. To put it blankly, we are not in control.
A well-known Buddhist teacher (I believe it was Sylvia Boorstein) said that "Having expectations is like signing a contract with disappointment." I heard this ingenious phrase at a time when I learned that several people close to me had cheated on their partners, either in their past, in the present, or at both times. I just couldn't believe that someone I thought I knew so well, and someone who seemed to have so much integrity, could be capable of actually cheating on a partner.
When that phrase about expectations was taught to me, I realized how much of a pitfall I'd created by going around expecting the people close to me to share my sense of ethics. I continue to seek close company that is honest, trustworthy, and ethical, but I really can't expect everyone else to behave like I would in certain situations. Julie Myoko Terestman, a Zen teacher and advisor, reminded me that I just "never know the whole situation," and that I should try not to judge when I hear of something that sounds hurtful and offensive to me at first blush. How good to hear. How true to know.
Further, Roshi Pat Enkyo O'Hara pointed out recently in her "Zen and Intimacy" workshop that contrary to popular belief, it's not the task of our intimate partners, friends, and family members, to make us feel happy and safe. When we step back and think about it, how preposterous is it, really, to think, "[This person] doesn't make me feel good all the time. They aren't doing what I want them to do. I need to make them do what I want, so I can be happy." ?
We, alone, are responsible for our own feelings, and intimate relationships are not a channel for possession of others or for unfettered influence over others' actions and emotions. Many wise ones say that "You can't truly love anyone else until you love yourself. . .People search so hard for someone else to make them happy. We have to realize that what we seek is inside ourselves."
Too many of us believe in the fairytale concept of an intimate partner who will come into our life, passionately sweep us off our feet, diminish many of our problems, and make our lives safe and happy. Zen Life Coach and advisor Nosan Lawrence Grecco points out that "Relationships are not a way for us to get all of our needs met." I felt very liberated when I heard him say that. If the opposite was the case, how would anyone ever have a "good" or "functional" relationship?
Not only are expectations of other people a sure way to stand in line for a miserable life, but trying to rely on events and outcomes is also a no-win situation. Buddhist wisdom instructs that impermanence is a Dharma Seal, one of the fundamental tenants of enlightened truth. It's scary, but we can never truly be safe. Things will never be stable and predictable. Of course, to get through life, we try to act in ways that benefit others, ourselves, and the environment. We try to find a modicum of stability in order to function and be healthy, enjoying as much of life as we can. But we cannot wait for everything to get organized, to work out our way, or to go according to plan.
It's simply the nature of the universe -- the world spins, nothing stands still. Everything is born each minute, as particles transform and evolve with changing time and space conditions. Everything dies each minute, for those same exact reasons. In Buddhism, we believe that there really is no birth and no death. Impermanence reigns, and we are also all interconnected to the point where in some small way, all that we are and all that we do continues to have an impact on everything else in the world.
Closing our eyes and walking in the dark can mean saying hello to contentment and ease. Realism with a hearty dose of wonder, generosity, and hope can bring us a much more balanced life. I invite you to search for ways that you can dim the lights of control-ism --Yes, I've created a new "ism"-- in your life. Where can we afford to loosen our grip on outcomes and the behavior of others? Where can we slacken the reigns of our perceived influence and power over life?
True, the lights will be dim. The lights may be off. But at least we have a grip on reality, and we will no longer walk around trying to force our neurotic flashlight to cast an obnoxious glare on the world. So many unknown events await us. So many unpredictable people can bring us expansive experiences of joy, discomfort, peace, anger, passion, disdain, excitement, sadness, confusion, and love.
I look forward to walking with you. If we bump into each other, I'll give you a hug.
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