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Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Informal Letter to My Friend, A Nun" - ORIGINAL POSTING DATE: JAN. 12TH, 2010

1/12/10: From: "Charisa Smith" To: "Charisa Smith"

Hey folks, If u r getting this email frm me, it's bc u r a treasured frend and I thank u 4 being supportiv of me over the years, and now. The message below is from me to 1 of my closest frends frm college, Y (I deleted her responses 4 privacy, of course). 2day was a life altering day 4 me. Definitely the happiest in my life so far. I don't believe one ever reaches "Enlightenment" (Zen thing, mostly a Buddhist thing, and think about it-- any1 who walks around saying "I'm totally enlightened! I kno the answers 2 all life's questions!" has got 2 b pretty damn deluded, hmm? If u disagree tho, I respect that. Cuz hey- I don't hav the answers either lol!). I jus had an amazing day.

Context is dat Y is now in a monastery. We went thru tons of stuff in college and afterwards 2gethr. OK- Here go my messages. Thank u 4 letting me share w u. The 1st message, way below, is re my struggle w someone I wanted to date, and how she dissed me and my morals. I reached out 2 Y 4 support. I understand if u don't care 2 hear that 1 agen!

Charisa A. Smith, Esq. Task Force Coordinator NY Task Force on Racial Disparities in the Juvenile Justice System Community Justice Network for Youth (CJNY), W. Haywood Burns Institute

"To be who you are and become what you are capable of is the only goal worth [achieving]" -Alvin Ailey

--- On Tue, 1/12/10, Charisa Smith wrote: From: Charisa Smith Subject: Re: The right path To: "Y" Date: Tuesday, January 12, 2010, 2:45 PM Dear Y, Thank you so much for taking the time 2 write me. I totally understand dat ur time 2 do that is limited, so I relly appreciate it. CONGRATULATIONS on ordaining! That's amazing! The universe is so deeply interconnected. I've always felt it, but today almost more than anything. Today I got your email, and it just filled me with soaring joy. You are doing something so important, and I treasure your presence in my life. U r such a true gift, Y.

The full potency of interconnectedness fell in my lap just a few moments ago. . .a Sensei from my sangha wrote me back with more information about receiving Jukai, The Precepts. He sent a pamphlet about the process and advised me how 2 proceed. When I opened the pamphlet and read what it sed, I burst into hysterical tears. I m crying now and have been crying like a loon for about a half hour! But tears of hysterical happiness! I dreamed about being a nun when I was younger in Catholic school, and all the while growing up and being fully engaged in secular revelry, I longed 2 do it still. My journey in Zen, hearing from u 2day, reading the words that articulate in great detail what it means 2 liv by the Precepts, and realizing that I really hav everything I ever wanted in this moment, is so overwhelming and --to use your word-- fulfilling.

I relly hope I don't get this cooky wen I begin studying and practicing mor intensely for Jukai! But 4 now, I hav been given free time 2 savor how this feels, 2 cry tears of gratitude and endebtedness to life, and to share this all with u. And as luck would hav it, I must hav been meant 2 experience this in the precise way that I m. I called 3 people 2 share the moment w, and no 1 picked up. I hav become WAY more self reliant and happily independent in the last year, so I stopped making calls n enjoyed the overflowing emotion in solitude (save the sounds of my gasping...Good grief!). Then I turned 2 yr email and m now writing u back. I appreciate the wisdom u shared. I will definitely print out your words and carry them w me wen times get rough, so I can send metta 2 u and rejoice that u r in this world. Glad u included translations 2, lol, bc most of my Buddhist references r in Japanese, w a good helping of Sanskrit & Pali as well.

Your ideas about romantic relationships n marriage r quite helpful and giv me much 2 ponder. Another reason this day and moment r so apropos is bc in the past couple days I realized I've grown so happy on my own that I'm not sure I'm even ready 4 romance...After all this time chasing it! I'm finally com4table 4 it to take years if that's wat happens. And if not, I realize I'll b A-OK. That sed, I hav always dreamed of raising a family, and of the unique joy of being a mother, hopefully both thru adoption and biology. As I hav actually found an admirable tradition (we call ourselves a lay order of Soto Zen) that enables priest ordination alongside the option of raising a family, I feel I would like to live a life like dat. That is y I cried so. . .(Just stopped a few seconds ago!) bc I can actually do everything I ever wanted, and if I extinguish @ this moment, then this is already great enough.

Co-parenting n growing old w 1 special person is still part of my fairytale, yet I will always hav utmost reverence 4 those who give their all to the world thru celibacy and mor intense solitude. I still struggle w ideas of "legitimacy" being in an order that is lay and yet maintains so much ceremony. Yet, I've always felt there had 2 b a way 2 liv a truly spiritually devoted life, commit 2 meditation n the dharma, and still maneuver secular life as well. That's y the nun-dream b/came only a dream @ sum point-- bc I had no idea I could ordain n liv secularly as well.
My teacher, Pat Enkyo Roshi O'Hara, actually gave a dharma talk on the Vimalakirti Sutra on Sunday, and it applies 100% 2 this circumstance! Jeez-another bit of fortuitousness. This day is unbelieveable. It would b gr8 2 speak w u or c u sometime, and I kno that will happen in due time. 4 now, THANK U 4 being who u r, congratulations on ur path and progress 2 ordination once agen, and I will leave u w some Zen wisdom frm authors of various traditions. I apologize 4 the font being so huge! I cut and pasted frm a document I made, I have 2 run 2 do sum work, and Yahoo isn't letting me shrink the font! Not trying 2 b obnoxious, lol:
"If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?" - Dogen Zenji (Founder of the Soto Zen tradition, in which I seek to ordain one day).
"If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark." - St. John of the Cross. (From The Little Zen Companion, which compiles multi-cultural quotes in the spirit of Zen).
“The self says, I am; The heart says, I am less; The spirit says, you are Nothing.” – Theodore Roethke. (The Little Zen Companion).
“That is happiness: to be dissolved into something complete and great.” - Willa Cather. (The Little Zen Companion).
“You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become a child.” – Dogen Zenji
"We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" - Lao Tzu (Founder of Taoism and author of the Tao Te Ching).

“Zen is your everyday thought.” - Chao-Chou

TYPICAL BLOG FROM CHARISA, FOR TODAY:
"You must learn to turn and direct your light inward to illuminate your true nature. Body & mind will fall away, & your original face will appear. If you want to reach thusness, then you must practice thusness without delay"-Dogen.

We are not just this human body, education, experience, lifespan. We will always be part of the world. And the world is a flowing field of molecular, energetic activity that simply keeps changing forms. Activity: I will use my silence to hear the voice of everything.

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